My wife and I have young kids … ages 1 to 7.  We attend a church and our meetings last for three hours.  Every church meeting is an adventure with kids.

Since the kids have to appear clean and presentable to everyone else, my wife takes it upon herself to ensure that each child’s face is spot-free.  She continues the great tradition of The Lick.  You all know what The Lick is.  A kid has a smidge of peanut butter on his left cheek.  This is such a small thing to take him to the bathroom to properly wash him with water and soap.  So my wife applies the quick-fix-it-up Lick.

She sticks out her moistened tongue, places her thumb on the back of the tongue and applies an ample amount of saliva to the thumb.  Then the saliva-thumb is used as a cleansing tool on the toddler’s cheek.  If there is enough saliva, one swipe will suffice.  But if she failed to moisten her tongue with copius amounts of spittle, then another swipe of thumb on tongue will be necessary.

The Lick is not only used for smudges on cheeks.  It can be used to tame unruly hair or to remove eye boogers.  Any food or ink marking on the body can be cleaned via The Lick.

Of course The Lick is perfectly sanitary.  Purrell and other hand-sanitizers are weak compared to Mom’s spit (momspit for short).  Momspit is the emergency cure-all.  Paper cut: put momspit on it.  Bruised eye: apply momspit.  Blow to the head: momspit will do.  Severed toe: momspit.

Momspit comes in various flavors and smells.  If Mom brushed her teeth that morning, you might get a hint of mint.  If she didn’t brush her teeth, the kid might be an outcast the rest of the day.  The best flavor is when Mom is chewing gum.  Your hair might smell like Doublemint.

My three-year-old son got The Lick of momspit yesterday.  He was offended.  But he’s a smart kid and knows how to hit back.  He retaliated by grabbing an unused tampon from my wife’s purse and started waving it over his head showing everyone in the audience that my wife uses Playtex.

She grabbed the tampon and gave him another dose of momspit.

Poor kid.

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