To me, the most horrifying part of the Harry Potter series is imagining the smell of a Dementor’s breath.  I seem to have the same reaction to bad breath as Harry does to Dementors … I tend to pass out when confronted with it.  If I could do a patronus spell, it would take the shape of a pack of Eclipse gum.

Foul breath is so repugnant to me, that when I was single, I actually cut a date short because the girl’s breath smelled like microwaved dog dung.  When we were in my car, I offered her some gum.  But it was just putting mint on a plate of vomit.  The odor filled my small Civic and I was forced to roll down my window.  “Nothing like a bit of fresh air, eh?” I smirked with a half, forced laugh.  At dinner, I dared her to eat the mint sprigs that came with her entrée.  When she thought I was joking, I knew I was doomed.  Right then I began to make plans for my escape.

I’ve been in worse situations, though.  A few years later I was stuck in an interview room with my future boss.  It was after lunch and he must have eaten the garlic onion stuffed pepper special at Julio’s.  When I walked into the room, a green mist hung in the air and I nearly gagged.  He wore a red plaid suit and had bushy sideburns.  When he smiled, I thought I was the Tin-man and was on the Yellow Brick Road.  More green mist seaped from his blow hole.  Bovine excrement smelled sweet compared to this gorilla’s breath.  I lasted approximatly 3 minutes in that room before I became dizzy and lost all conciousness.

The worst breath I’ve fallen victim to came from an orifice of a basketball player.  I had the unfortunate assignment of guarding this expired beef stick.  Not only does he not brush his teeth before coming to play ball, but he also smokes a few cigarettes for breakfast.  Foul breath indeed – every time he opened his maw I felt violated.  The vile stench of the decay and filth eminating from his oral cavity was beyond description.  He might as well been chewing roadkill.

May I make a suggestion to my readers: take the time to check your breath.  Cup your hand and hold it up to your mouth.  Now blow like you are fogging up a mirror.  If you smell nothing, go get some gum.  If you smell hydrogen sulfide (rotten eggs), methyl mercaptan (rotten cabbage) or dimethyl sulfide (cooked cabbage), go brush your teeth and tongue and then use copious amounts of Scope followed by inserting two or three pieces of Eclipse into your mouth.  Now chew.

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