April 2008


I’m a really laid-back sorta guy.  Most of my life’s accomplishments have come because of excessive prodding of parents, friends, wife, church and family.

I honestly think that if it weren’t for my parents, I’d be a beach bum somewhere in California or Florida or I’d be a farm-hand in Idaho or Nebraska.

I digress …

When I was in high school, I would regularly dream about how my life would be.  I sometimes ponder that dream life and wonder if I could ever do it.

But I’ve been taught and have bought into the idea that a long, solid, money-making career would best suit two of my life’s most important goals of supporting a family and retiring happily.  So I continue on the long, upward latter of corporate America.

But if I had $1,000,000 deposited into my checking account tomorrow, this is what I would do:

I would set up $100,000 accounts for each of my kids.  They would’nt get a cent of it until they finished college.

Then I would set up a large portion of the cash left into a mutual fund or something similiar and let it work for me.  I wouldn’t touch my 401k … I’d let it continue to grow.

I’d sell my house and move to Montana, Wyoming, Colorado, Idaho, Oregon or Washington.  I’d pick a small town with a population of over 8,000 but under 20,000.  I’d go directly to local school district and explain to the administrator that I had recently retired and was willing to work as a high school teacher (computers and/or math) and coach basketball and cross-country.  If they had a chess team or program, I’d sign up to coach/teach for that too.

I’d get up every morning and exercise and then be to work by 7:00am.  I’d teach classes all day long and then when school lets out at 4pm, I’d coach/teach the extracurricular activities.  I’d get home by 6:00pm every evening and play with my kids and be with my wife.

In the summer time, my family and I would head to the mountains.  We would camp and fish and hike for several weeks.  I’d probably buy a boat and go water-skiing too.  I’d BBQ every night.  I’d stay up late and lay on the grass with my kids and wife and watch the stars.

Oh to dream.

Those wacky Oregonians are at it again.  Exploding whales, grooming eyebrows and now this.

Inside a voters’ pamphlet, a 1-800 number is listed for voters to register on the phone.

1-800-ORE-VOTE points to adult sex line.

So instead of getting registered for an election, the voter gets an erection.

Link: Voters’ Pamplet typo point to adult sex line

News out of Oregon indicates that gangsters are decorating their eyebrows.  Although late to the call, Oregonian gangsters are finally heeding George Bush’s call for a “kinder and gentler nation

DuShaun Prince, a Centennial High School senior says, “We just figured the girls would be all hip with some cool eyebrows instead of low-hanging pants.  So we took a poll last month and found that 83% of the chicks would dig groomed eyebrows.”

Rudy Martinez, who is also a member of the Gangsters for the Improvment of Relations with the Community and Betterment of Image or (GFIRWC&BI) thinks that the poll was flawed.  In light of all the snickering girls seen in the hallways, he thinks that girls intententially skewed the poll.

The gangters have since decided to move away from groomed eyebrows and are now looking into pink wristbands or wearing tampons as earings.

Today on his blog, Scott said,

I saw an opening where I could poke my penis between a bearded guy and a guy with a fanny pack, just over the left ear of a Little Leaguer.

Unfortunatly, I was eating lunch when I read this one line and now I have to clean my monitor.

Read the whole entry here.

Somehow Amazon thinks I live in Oregon and as an Oregonian, I’d like to learn more about Texas.

Here is a snippet of an email I received from Amazon today:
Amazon is psychic
I know that everything is big in Texas and Texans often refer to other states as “West Texas” or “Far North Texas” but I think Oregon might be a little too far away for this little joke.

So how does Amazon get off marketing Texas stuff to customers who they think live in Oregon?

I need to add another category: Badass.

The Wiktionary defines badass as “a person whose extreme attitudes and behavior are admirable.”

Our first Badass entry is the Honey Badger. Be sure to catch the amazing ending.

glumbert – World’s Most Fearless Animal

 

How many ‘business’ or ‘free’ t-shirts do you have?  I’m a t-shirt freak … I like a good t-shirt, but what really beats me down are the useless t-shirts I get from my company and vendors.  Maybe if I were still a poor college student I’d be less cynical about free useless t-shirts, but now that I’m in the six digit range, I care nothing for these pathetic shirts.

Occasionally I will get a worthy t-shirt and it will remain in my weekend rotation for months.  But the vast majority of these t-shirts are pure hud.  For example, the latest t-shirt I got from my company looks like a cheap United Way campaign shirt … it’s a little darker than powder blue and has red and yellow lettering.  The colors aren’t so bad, but the words the designer chose are dill-weed words … ‘mind’ ‘attitude’ ‘ability’ ‘fitness challenge’ ‘team’.  I can see someone with the intelligence of a 4-year-old wearing it, but not an adult.

An adult might wear this shirt if he were part of a team activity and he could wear it over another t-shirt.  Then, the moment the team activity ended, he could immediatly rip it off and trash it.  It’s the herd mentality … we don’t mind looking like idiots as a herd, but there’s no way in hell we’d be caught wearing one of these t-shirts on our own.  You’d be a zebra separated from the herd, hunted down by a lioness and finished off by a lion.

And so this latest retarded t-shirt may make its way to my closet and if it does, it will endure days of solitude in a corner … forgotten, useless.  Then one day, I’d clean out my closet and I’d need something with which to dust useful stuff.  The useless would finally have a use.  Once used, the shirt would be tossed with the rest of the junk or sent to a charitable donation center.

Eventually it will make its way to Central America where one day it will be sported by an 8-year-old Guatemalan girl who will use it as a dress.  Someday I may see this shirt again on a “Save the Children” TV commercial.  And finally a shirt that served no real purpose in its entire life will now have a legitimate reason to exist.

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