I honestly don’t know how I got them.  I am a clean person … regular showers, clean clothes every day, I wash my hands … I’m clean except for those ogre toenails.

Several of my toenails have some sort of fungus ailment.  My big toenails have ridges like Ruffles and are a dirty pearly white.  My pinky toes are thick.  When I clip my pinky toenails, it’s like cutting cheese.

On the bright side, I’ve been able to sell my toenails to a local witch.  She uses them regularly in her brews.

I visited my doctor about this ailment.  When I took my shoes off and then peeled away my socks, she clapped her hand over he mouth and gasped in horror.

“My heavens!  How long have your toenails been like that?”

“About 10 years.”

She took a few samples to diagnose the fungus.

A few days later, I was reading the newspaper when I came across an article entitled “Medical Office Shut Down by Fungus”  Upon further reading, I learned that the lab had been overcome with an aggressive fungus.  The technician was doing late evening work on toenail clippings when the sample unexpectedly began growing exponentially.  By the next day, the fungus had overtaken the entire office.

The day after that, two federal agents in bio-suits and masks knocked on my door.  I’m finally going to get my toenails cured.