Like me, you may have heard this story reported on the news while driving into work this morning.  As funny as it is, the real kicker of the story was that the owner retrieved the money after the dog “processed” it.  The owner then washed the cash and took it to a bank to trade in the soiled bills for new ones!  WOW!

First of all, if my dog did that, I’m not sure I’d be the one to retrieve the bills.  I would call the neighborhood kids over to my back yard for an impromptu Easter egg hunt.  “For every $100 you find, you can keep $1”  This way I only lose about $10 and I don’t have to experience dry heaves.  As a bonus to the kids, I would give them each a clothes-pin.

The next step in the process would be a bit tricky.  I’d probably put the cash in a big bucket on the lawn and then use the garden hose to blast the excess stuff off.  Then I’d let it dry in the sun.  Maybe the sun would bleach most of “it” out.

Phase three would involve generous amounts of Febreze followed by another sun-bleaching.

The final part would be to take it to the bank for exchange.

“My these bills smell fresh!  What happened to them?”

“My son got a hold of the Febreze and sprayed it all over my wife’s purse.  Those crazy kids!”

The teller would be rubbing her nose all over the bills like those freaks in the Febreze commercials.  I’d be wincing knowing full well that just four steps ago, those bills were being pinched off by Barney the dog.

“We can certainly exchange these bills for you Mr. Apollo.  Would you like your bills in 50’s or 100’s?”

“100’s would be fine, thank you!”

Another part of this dog-eats-cash story is how it was reported by the news.  After I heard it on the radio this morning, I went to Google’s news pages and searched for it.

Dog Eats Cash News Reports

How come all these reports suggest differing amounts?  How hard is it to count?  Was it the woman who had no idea how much money the mutt ate or was it the bank that didn’t know how much money it exchanged?  Maybe the teller was totally grossed out by the story behind the cash that she just took the tainted money and threw a few $100 bills at the woman … “Here, take these and go please!”  The teller then takes the bag out back in the alley to burn.

Or maybe the reporters were just so lazy to follow up on the amount that they just arbitrarily picked a number.  “What the hell – let’s say it was around $752.35”  One report actually headlined the story referring to $1000 while in the report it stated $750!

I just hope all these people washed their hands and then soaked them in Purell.