I love the word “wacky”

I like to search wacky on news.google.com … the results are entertaining.

Like this one for example: “Wacky Cult Leader Beds Naked Virgins, Son’s Wife” by Dave Shiflett

Here’s a precious quote,

One day I was in my trailer just relaxing and there was nothing on my mind in particular and then God said to me you are the Messiah,” Travesser recalls.

Wacky indeed.

Advertisements

I’ve got to hand it to Reuters reported Bob Strong.  He did a hellava job writing “Icelandic museum offers long and short of male organ”

Here are a few selected quotes from his piece with the chortling parts in bold.

Sigurdur Hjartarson is missing a human penis.

The American, 52-year-old Stan Underwood, supplied a written description of his penis — which he purportedly nick-named “Elmo” — for display alongside a life-size plastic mould of the member as well as his pledge to donate it.

A growing number of people from all over the world view the collection each year, 60 percent of them women.

Hjartarson has paid for only one — an elephant penis nearly 1 meter long that hangs, stuffed and mounted on a wooden board, in the museum’s “foreign section.”

On a related note, you really need to read this blog entry by Scott Adams about the world’s tallest man getting married.

Those wacky Oregonians are at it again.  Exploding whales, grooming eyebrows and now this.

Inside a voters’ pamphlet, a 1-800 number is listed for voters to register on the phone.

1-800-ORE-VOTE points to adult sex line.

So instead of getting registered for an election, the voter gets an erection.

Link: Voters’ Pamplet typo point to adult sex line

I am in awe.

My wife always chides me by stating that women are the tougher sex.

But you never hear of a woman cutting off her own limb like Aron Ralston.

Aron has been one-upped.  Ines Ramirez Perez from southern Mexico performed a C-section on herself and lived to tell about it.  The baby lived too and is about to turn 8 this year.

Wow!

Her husband can never complain about anything for the rest of their married life.

“But honey, it’s too cold to take down the Christmas lights.”  She would just fold her arms and stare at him and then he’d walk outside with his head held in shame.

“I don’t want to give blood for your charity event.”  Her eyes would squint and her face would harden and our boy’s shoulders would go limp as he walks to the car.

“Do I have to donate my left kidney for your cousin?”  This time her reaction would be as subtle as cactus is soft.  She would walk up to our chap, stare him in the face and deliver a prompt kick to the nuts.  He’d buckle over in a heap of flesh and moan.  His voice an octave higher, he would squeak “OK Sweety, I’ll do it.”

Do you remember that song “We Are the World” where a bunch of musicians got together to raise funds for famine-stricken Africa?  It seems that ever since that fund raiser, there have been countless other do-gooder-things for Africa.

A recent project endeavors to put a laptop into every Afican child’s hands.  The project website has posted the project’s goal: “To provide children around the world with new opportunities to explore, experiment and express themselves.”

It seems as though they are beginning to reach their goal.  In fact, in today’s news I read the following article entitled “Pupils browse porn on donated laptops

Explore – check

Experiment – check

Express – check

Here are these poverty-stricken African children sitting in class learning about math.  They’re not paying attention to the teacher.  They’re getting all heated up over at Victoria Secret’s site.

Instead of logging into eTrade to transfer their daily wage of $.25 from their bank account to their stock portfolio, they’re checking out the swimware section of an on-line retailer.

You’d think they would be researching how to maximize milk output in a cow by doing some research on Wikipedia; or that they would be posting their 5×5 color paintings of Africa brush on eBay so that they could earn some extra money to buy more chickens.

Nope, they’re just browsing porn.

FreeLaptop

Like me, you may have heard this story reported on the news while driving into work this morning.  As funny as it is, the real kicker of the story was that the owner retrieved the money after the dog “processed” it.  The owner then washed the cash and took it to a bank to trade in the soiled bills for new ones!  WOW!

First of all, if my dog did that, I’m not sure I’d be the one to retrieve the bills.  I would call the neighborhood kids over to my back yard for an impromptu Easter egg hunt.  “For every $100 you find, you can keep $1”  This way I only lose about $10 and I don’t have to experience dry heaves.  As a bonus to the kids, I would give them each a clothes-pin.

The next step in the process would be a bit tricky.  I’d probably put the cash in a big bucket on the lawn and then use the garden hose to blast the excess stuff off.  Then I’d let it dry in the sun.  Maybe the sun would bleach most of “it” out.

Phase three would involve generous amounts of Febreze followed by another sun-bleaching.

The final part would be to take it to the bank for exchange.

“My these bills smell fresh!  What happened to them?”

“My son got a hold of the Febreze and sprayed it all over my wife’s purse.  Those crazy kids!”

The teller would be rubbing her nose all over the bills like those freaks in the Febreze commercials.  I’d be wincing knowing full well that just four steps ago, those bills were being pinched off by Barney the dog.

“We can certainly exchange these bills for you Mr. Apollo.  Would you like your bills in 50’s or 100’s?”

“100’s would be fine, thank you!”

Another part of this dog-eats-cash story is how it was reported by the news.  After I heard it on the radio this morning, I went to Google’s news pages and searched for it.

Dog Eats Cash News Reports

How come all these reports suggest differing amounts?  How hard is it to count?  Was it the woman who had no idea how much money the mutt ate or was it the bank that didn’t know how much money it exchanged?  Maybe the teller was totally grossed out by the story behind the cash that she just took the tainted money and threw a few $100 bills at the woman … “Here, take these and go please!”  The teller then takes the bag out back in the alley to burn.

Or maybe the reporters were just so lazy to follow up on the amount that they just arbitrarily picked a number.  “What the hell – let’s say it was around $752.35”  One report actually headlined the story referring to $1000 while in the report it stated $750!

I just hope all these people washed their hands and then soaked them in Purell.